I woke up today morning and re-read this article. Since the past few days I have been working on shifting my focus inward and have begun noticing how I have “parked” so many things at so many doors.
I see now, how the beginning and the end of a feeling is within me. I do not own the triggers of those feelings and so need not go around to bell the cat who triggered that feeling in me. Mostly it is easy for me to recognise the beginning and end of feelings like anger, hatred, jealousy, etc. and be with them. I’ve learnt to see how I project these – I will set up a person like a projector to trigger these feelings within me whereas the truth was, these feelings were already there in me, but I refused to see them or accept them!
However, over the past few days, I am realizing that even the ‘good’ feelings, like oneness, kindness, generosity, lovefulness (don’t know how to explain this one) are just like the others – they begin and end within us. It is futile and burdensome to hold on to people/moments who trigger those in us. Again the projector is set up for someone to hold the space for me to project the kindness, the oneness that I refuse to accept/see/acknowledge within me.
Deeper still I ask myself if this thought that I am holding on to you true? You are just a thought and in this moment I don’t even know if ‘you’ are alive or not. Where is this ‘you’? I am staying with this question. Often answers have arrived before the questions. There is no ‘other’. Only thoughts with a subject called ‘other’. But our thoughts only.
I shall keep reading this article by Sangeeta like a farmer tilling the soil everyday until I experience the understanding that there is no other. It brings up the leftover dirt in the form of these questions and cleans up the mind-soil.
Where have you parked your source of happiness?
Who or what have you made your singular object of affection?
These were the questions that arose in three different conversations within a few days of each other. That is always a sign that I should write about it 🙂
A friend was describing her sacred connection with an ancestral temple in a remote village on the coast. She remains perplexed at her deep attachment to a place she has no rational connection with. The culture is unfamiliar, she does not like the sea, that entire life is alien to what she is accustomed to. But her pull there was so strong that she actually considered buying a house there. She says she could spend endless hours in that space. So every year, when she visits India, she makes it a point to visit this sacred site.
The same yearning and attachment…
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