“All of life is an act of letting go…” - Life of Pi
Sometimes I am speechless to realize how true this really is. For two years I waited and waited. Just waited to really figure out or know what it is that I want to do in my life, if not work in an IT company as a software programmer. “Let me get the next opportunity and then I’ll quit my current position” was my mental rut. I kept waiting for an opportunity to come. It never did. I waited for clarity – some vision or sign or something. It never came. One day I woke up and had this clear message – Create space. Let go.
I struggled for months. Set up one condition after the other to the universe – let me get a consistent client for sessions, let me save up this much amount, etc. It all came and went. I didn’t quit. After tons of tarot card readings (which all seemed to tell me to take action) and psychics telling me that I am meant to do this now, I was still uncertain. I was waiting for my fear to end. It never did. I realized one thing – I was afraid of making a decision. Decision was akin to death. Funny how we still act from such a primitive programming – it felt like being in the movie “10000 B.C” or “300″ or something. Until one day a friend just said to me, “you know, clarity is also a block in your journey after one point”. I realized I had to do this through the fear. And so I did. For days afterward, I whimpered like a little child beaten up. Post-decision stress. Week after week, new fears came to light like a Pandora’s box had exploded. Miracles transpired too. An organisation known for its inflexibility showed a lot of flexibility. I could get the much needed rest and I could work with people more than ever at the same time. I was discovering letting go once more.
There was another very subtle letting go that I experienced. During my Coke Studio stint, I had received a free CD from one of the bands who had performed there. It was my favorite band from all the artists I’d met and interacted with. Very courteously, one of the members had handed me their CD when I had visited their stint, and had them autograph it for me. A few months ago, I wanted to gift someone and I found out that he liked to experiment with music. A feeling told me it was that band’s CD which was autographed that I must gift. I was a bit hesitant…after all it was a personal copy. But then I decided to follow my inner voice, and just pass on the gift. I had the music after all. So I gifted it away. A few months after this incident, one of the band’s members was in my city and we just randomly caught up and struck up a good camaraderie. It felt really amazing because he was not only an amazing person to be with, but also an incredible artist. I loved some of the offbeat stuff he worked on and I felt deeply connected to him in an inexplicable way. He brought the joy of creating music gushing back into my life. I kept thinking afterwards, would this have happened if I had clung on to my only connection with him, the CD? I will never know for sure, my intuition just smiles.
Another letting go transpired by giving up my apartment. After a meditation session with GD, I had a clear feeling that I must give in the notice of my current apartment and must look for another one. I thought to myself let me keep the notice part on the back burner for now. But something within me said that I was ready for change. I called in a couple of listings from the internet and one day, just went about checking them out. One of the apartments was an almost yes for me. But I knew it was not “the one”. It did not fulfill any of the 3 desires I had for my apartment – 1. A bathtub 2. The apartment number adding up to a number 6 and 3. It being spacious and within a certain budget. So I just shrugged this off and told the broker that I would delay my decision. That night I prayed that whichever apartment I move into will be a manifestation by not just me, but all the clients, friends and soulmates who will be sharing that space with me. This is part of my service to them as well. And I just left it at that. A few days later, a friend walked in offering her apartment for me to stay in as she was away for a month. I was hesitant and so I called up another friend who does tarot readings to validate my decision to move. She got a positive sign and mentioned that she too was moving. Spontaneously I asked her when she would be leaving and it ended up being the next month. I asked her if the owner would be okay to have me live there and do sessions. Yes, it all worked out. Incidentally, her apartment number added to a number 6, and the master bedroom had a bathtub. The budget was reduced by the owner so that I could have a maid who cooked for me (which I realized I was longing for). Plus the house had a huge hall and I instantly had the vision of putting up my big mirror there and dancing in front of it. This is instant manifestation, I said to myself.
I am still learning this lesson in ways small and big. A few friends are spontaneously walking out of my life, and I am telling myself, “It’s okay baby. They are creating space for someone more loving”. I feel called to make gratitude lists and just reflect on the silent grandness that I have missed. I am drycleaning and giving away all my black clothes because I no longer feel the calling to wear black which was my favorite color until a few months ago. I am making a list of books to be gifted away or sold that I have enjoyed. I am just so happy to empty and prepare for 2013. And I still have no opportunity after my job whose last date is incidentally December 31st, 2012. I am just trusting the feeling that somewhere, a group of souls, who are my soul family, are longing, with bated breath, to have me join them in some wonderful, life-transforming work they are doing. As Rumi says, “that which you are seeking is seeking you too“. I know they are looking out for me as I am for them. I am wondering… how painful but exhilarating this journey of letting go is! I am amazed.