More Angel Prayers

Deepti G Gujar:

Yesterday I received another beautiful validation of the angels. Someone who couldn’t reach their parents in Kashmir messaged. Immediately I saw a worried parent and prayed to the angels -

Angel prayer for assistance during natural disasters

“Dear Angels, please go to the people of Kashmir and please reveal your presence to them. Please fill them up with faith in their hearts and minds, so they reach out to you and make these transitions with ease, without drama. Please let them know they are deeply loved by God”

I told this person to send a telepathic message to them saying they are safe, and they are being awaited back home. This person meditated after this message and felt better. All day there were good news pouring in.

~

After reading the media’s flush on depression post Robin William’s passing, there was another prayer that instantly came through at the speed of light -

Angel prayer for depression, feeling low, feeling suicidal

“Dear Angels, please reveal your presence, support and unconditional love to all those who think they are alone in this world right now. Please nudge their distressful and painful thoughts out of their minds back into Source with your light. Please incarnate, if required, so that the trance of isolation and separation from Divine Love be forever broken and they see their oneness with all. All of this and better I ask for my friends across the planet, at this moment, suffering in loneliness and depression, in accordance with the highest Will of the divine”.
Amen.

~

In fact, I often offer counselling over email so that those who cannot physically reach me, can still avail of the guidance coming through for them.

Recently someone was experiencing frequent car accidents. This is the angelic guidance for them that came through -

Angelic guidance for protecting your vehicle from accidents

 
“Cast an angelic protective net on the car as follows -

Imagine a protective covering of violet net on your car calling upon Archangel Michael. Imagine cords going to some lower consciousness or lower vibrational energies (you might even get a person’s face here). Now visualise Archangel Michael cutting this cord with his sword on a count of 3 (saying 1-2-3). Now imagine that lower vibrational entity returned to White Light. You can even imagine a Wise Master of a higher dimension receiving this low energy entity into his belly of White Light. Now see that Archangel Michael and Jophiel are cleaning out the energies from within the car. Visualise your own negative thoughts and emotions that you had when you were in the car being cleansed out and them blessing the car. Visualise your family sitting in the car and the angels gathered around blessing them. Thank them for their love, support. Ask them to accompany you for every journey you undertake in the car. Take a deep breath. Trust their guidance”

~

May you accept the angelic support that is there around you. The angels love ease. And prayer is the highest form of letting go.

Love and Light!

 

Originally posted on Flowering of eternity:

Prayers are the best way of letting go.

When I become aware that I am in a mental spin of worrying about something, I shift my attention through praying. A while ago I had found a lovely “Change Me” prayer that shifted me into a receiving space rather than a demanding space. Today I found some angel prayers on Doreen Virtue’s site and felt like saving them so that I can read them often.

A prayer to stop the pattern of people trying to take advantage of you

Dear God,I realize that in the past I didn’t feel worthy of attracting and maintaining true friendships. In those moments, I taught people about my feelings of low self-worth by doing too much for them, without expecting anything in return.Now that I realize this pattern, I need your help to disentangle myself from those who have learned they can…

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The Angelic 5

Archangel Michael

Over this one week, I’m offering angel card readings for 5 people at Rs.555/- or USD 9.99

These would be angelic guidance, wanting to come your way, channeled through the cards.
This reading would be done over Skype or Google Hangouts, and would be around 30-45 minutes in duration.

The reading can be based on any one of the following – Abundance, Relationship, Past-Present-Future, Career, Clarity for a particular situation. It may also include counselling on some core belief that you may be holding on to in that area.

If you have not been introduced to angels and their presence, this would be a great starting point to do so.

If the angels speak to you, please drop me a mail at spirit.of.crea@gmail.com.

Payments accepted via PayPal as well as online bank transfer.

Please share with your loved ones who you feel would connect to and benefit from these readings.

Last date: 2nd September, 2014

Love and Light!

 

 

 

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11 Ways to Live through Depression

While writing my dedication to Robin Williams, I recalled days of my own depression. In the past few weeks it seems the world has woken up to accepting depression in a more conscious way. One of my favorite quotes was by Allison Ritchie -

“The death of Robin Williams has really touched me deeply. How sad is it that a man who brought so much laughter to so many, was so tormented himself. If one good thing can come out of it, it is that so many people are talking about depression today. All over Facebook people are saying, if you feel depressed talk about it, don’t bottle it up, there is no shame in it, and if someone you know is depressed, be there for them and just listen. However, there are many forms of depression. Hormone imbalances, including post natal or menopausal, changes in brain chemicals, brain injuries, many things can bring about depression, and sometimes that type of depression needs more than just a heart-to-heart. I had post natal depression after my son was born, and for a long time I tried to deal with it myself. It wasn’t until my GP prescribed anti-depressants that the fog started to lift. I wasn’t on them for very long, and in fact if I had my hormones checked I would have been on medication for an even shorter time. My point is, it is not always just a matter of thinking positively, or talking about it, or changing your situation. Sometimes you need help to get back to balance, and there is certainly no shame in that”

- Allison Ritchie

Here are my key points that have helped me during my low and depressed state. This list is as much a reminder for me, as it is for anyone else out there.

1. Breathe.
Keep taking your focus back to your normal, natural breath. If the chaos in the mind is too much, then keep slowing down the breath progressively. It’s enough to breath. Breath outlasts everything.

2. Write to yourself.
Write a letter to yourself. Or just write. You might even stare at a blank page, it doesn’t matter. You might scribble that mess in your head. That’s okay too. You might draw – a childhood drawing, a random thing. Important thing is to keep the flow of communication on with yourself.

3. Eat well.
My eating goes into disorder often when I am depressed, or sliding down. This is as much a reminder for me, as it is for you, to eat well. Find ways to connect to your palette. Entertain the palette.

4. Exercise.
Find a way to get that adrenaline pumping every single day. Some exercises may work particularly well during depression. Like dancing worked for me more than yoga.

5. Find something funny to watch/listen.
I know laughter helps. Even if it’s humor I’ve heard so many times. Like “Friends” the television series.

6. Drink lots of water.

7. Connect to nature.
In the smallest of ways this connection can restore you without you knowing. Walking barefoot on the grass, soaking yourself in a bathtub, sitting by water bodies, even something as simple as taking a long bath, or lighting candles can be very restorative. In those moments of depression, it is hard to connect to people. Sometimes it is impossible to talk to people about what you are going through.

8. Feel the pain.
We as “human” beings carry a lot of pain, unspoken grief, sadness repressed within ourselves through our childhoods. Even for those who think they’ve had a good childhood. Depression is a long term repression. If you feel anything at all, you are very blessed for it may be the start of the uncovering of this emotional pain.

9. Listen to music.
Not the sad, depressing kind. The soothing, calming, uplifting, loving kind. One that puts you back in the embrace of source.

10. Turn your face to gratitude.
Thank you” for me was a mantra in those days. I was truly grateful to just be alive. Another mantra worth reminding yourself again and again is “This too shall pass“.

11. Be gentle with yourself.
Life doesn’t want to hurt you. Your emotions aren’t here to hurt you. Be kind to all of the mess you feel you are. Your kindness to yourself is love in action. Life is worth living and loving. The depression might be that gentle reminder that not all is in our control, and it doesn’t have to be.

doreen virtue prayer to revive energy

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R.I.P Robin Williams

What Dreams May Come

A scene from What Dreams May Come

I woke up yesterday morning and in the course of brushing my teeth, opened up Facebook and saw a friend’s status “RIP Robin Williams”. I was alarmed. When I Googled it further, I became deeply troubled. Not because Robin Williams had passed away, but that he chose to end his life before its benign natural end as his soul might have planned. Questions started haunting me regarding this aspect of his death. Why did someone so creatively gifted choose to believe in his loneliness? There were 7 billion (minus 1) of us who he reached. Not one of us reached him. Were his walls so strong? Or was his isolation so deep? These were thoughts hard to reconcile.

A few months ago when I found out that one of my highly creative friends who is an inspiration to me since my college days was diagnosed with clinical depression, I went straight into disbelief. I don’t believe anyone, especially creative people, deserves these spaces. Robin’s passing connected me to that deep denial within me.

After my daily meditation today I reflected on why this news hit me so badly. It makes that time come alive in my teens when I was battling depression, a family member wanting to commit suicide 24×7, the intense ache of seeing that there was no one to hold my family as it was breaking and the rattling sword hanging above my head that there would be no provider for our family. In those moments at one point I had reached a point of total chaos within me. In that moment my anger at going out of control turned into rage, love turned rancid and I decided to remove my faith in God. In that rock bottom moment it had hit me that there was no one was coming to save me. Thoughts of suicide started running through my head. I almost went to that point, one of those dawns when my family was asleep, there was chaotic silence and my head was throbbing from having cried all night. What pulled me out of that act of ending my life was the love I had for my brother. I knew it would break his heart to know that I had deserted them in their time of need.

As I look deeper into those moments today, I wish I had someone to tell me the golden words -

This too shall pass. You are not alone. Even if you believe you are.

In the year 2012 very suddenly even though I had a regular Breathwork practice, I plunged into depression. I felt the same isolation cover me up like a black cloud. I could see other people around me but there seemed to be a wall separating me from them. I could reach them but I couldn’t form words to describe this cloud around me. I couldn’t communicate at one level. I felt isolated, even though I was talking, socialising, writing as I normally used to. My only refuge was the quiet inner voice that showed up from time to time. But it had started to become more and more unbearable. I took a leave from work and did 3 straight days of morning and evening meditations at the Osho Commune in my hometown. That’s only because that inner voice sounded like Osho. He says that depression is deeply pressed down anger gone unexpressed for years. And as I read that, I realised I had to dance that depression out. I knew Osho understood me like I couldn’t. I knew he was listening as I sat in deep throbbing despair, terrified by the inability to reach into myself, among those bamboo shoots creaking by the pressing wind. After 3 days, I finally began to feel my pain. Quite mysteriously a friend called me out of nowhere and told me she had a message for me, that I must accompany her to a meditation retreat in a pyramid in Bangalore. When I reached there and started meditating, a chunk of pain and the grief exploded within me. I meditated through the tears, feeling the pain. Somewhere at the very tiny center of my soul, I knew, this too shall pass.

Today I connected to this phase again through Robin. I wish he had learnt to meditate, learnt to connect to breath, that unchanging part of himself, the source of life – Love. It isn’t easy. I’ve gone through what is called the dark night of the soul not once, but many times. In the first one I learnt to go back to my breath and hold myself in that center, and in the second one I was once again led back to that source. The difference though was that the first time I was so caught up in my isolation that I believed I had to do it all on my own. The second time I felt helpless, terrified and lonely inspite of all my spiritual experiences which had proved otherwise except that this time I was taken into the source of breath by someone watching over me. I was receiving proof that a higher self exists. Angels exist. They come forth. There is someone around us all the time. They are watching, understanding and feeling our pain and want to hold us in their wings.

Life isn’t predictable and by no means is it stationary and stable even for the most spiritual of human beings. And inspite of everything we can do, we can’t be prepared for life. And hence we can’t be prepared for death. We can only just breathe it and live it. And often that is enough.

I wish Robin Williams knew this. I wish Whitney Houston knew this. I wish Heath Ledger knew this. I wish every creative person in this world knows this. For now I can only send that wish into the Cosmic Mind which connects all the minds of this planet. I wish I become an instrument to heal this isolation that a creative person goes through. It is an illusion as this quote below beautifully puts it.

Light

To all these beautiful souls who are a part of me, I picture them being cradled in soft white light to balm their wounds carried over from a traumatic lifetime. I send tenderness and angelic support to their loved ones who perhaps grieve everyday.

To Robin, I love you. There are only prayers and love in this afterlife.

An article that touched me: 

http://brianlord.org/2014/08/12/a-little-known-robin-williams-story/

Posted in Everyday realizations, Spirituality | Tagged , , , | 11 Comments

Jealousy ~ A gateway into your lost self

Today early morning as I opened Facebook, I was hit by a wave of jealousy. A Facebook friend who I barely know and who I consider an achiever in her field had posted some photographs with a beautiful description of light having touched her very early on in life. It was liked by a friend who is very dear to me. It was that instant when I saw that “Like”, I felt a flame of jealousy erupt in my heart. My first reaction was to shut FB, which I did. A few moments later I told myself to stop avoiding my feelings and face them. “Be honest with yourself“, I told myself. So I looked up that feed once more and sure enough the jealousy came back. I could feel the flames in my heart almost as if I’d left a matchstick burning on my chest. I started writing.

I went back to that place in my childhood where an essential life transition was viewed as a threat and tragedy by my mother. In the fire of those moments, I got terrorised. I was about 15. Without thinking I took on the feeling that somehow I was responsible for this mess. In the heat of anger my mother had vented so. And out of obedience (which is what love translated to), I took it on. I held myself responsible for bringing tragedy to my family which I can now see was clearly not the case. Furthermore, I made a silent vow. I denied my natural worth, my inherent talent in order to punish myself for it. “I must pay a price for the tragedy I have inflicted on people I love“, was the unquestioned, deeply subconscious thought I harbored. And so I did. I believed, to the point of promising myself, that I shall not be good enough to deserve anything good in my life. That I shall deny myself happiness, a family and creative success. And so the self-denial began and stayed all these years. I would strive to achieve a little, but never a lot, denying my desire to do something big, which meant denying even a project like writing a script or a book. I would not complete and leave it midway.

Today jealousy rankled me out of my hiding place. When I saw this acquaintance doing so many beautiful things and truly manifesting her dreams, this denial came up. “This can’t be happening“, said jealousy. And yet it was. As I uncovered this incident, this point where I had made a vow, I let myself go into the depths of this self-denial. I felt the pain of never allowing myself to succeed, never giving myself the permission to stand up for myself and speak aloud my desires, that stemmed from deservability. I let myself vent. I let that
“egoistic” 15-year old speak who had taken it upon her that she MUST know everything, and that she always had to be in control – of her emotions, of her reality. She believed that she must be in control no matter what, but because she couldn’t when her mother was enraged, she broke down and became a failure in her eyes. She let herself drown in self-denial.

Life always works in polarities. This excruciating need for success was birthed right there at the point of feeling failed.

I let my hand write comforting words to me in my journal. In it I found myself scribbling kindly to my 15-year old, “God is with you. He supports you. You are capable. You are very talented and capable of creating the success you want
In another voice, my 15-year old responded, “I made myself God. I made myself responsible for everything that went wrong in the lives of those around me. I constantly felt guilty that I had done something wrong. I hated myself constantly!” Sharing this both of us entered silence. I saw life differently. I saw it the way I would have as a 15-year old who no longer denied her worth. She felt capable and reached out to people the way she already had, but this time with great peace in her heart. I saw her enter college not as a lonely, out-to-prove, go-getter 15 year old, but as a radiant, self-confident, knowing 15-year old. She no longer had to know it all. She knew it and I knew it now too.

Thank God for jealousy. It gave me back my adequately talented 15-year old self that I had lost to time. Another mirror had broken and I could see myself without mediums.

Image thanks to Far Closer via CC. Orig. img - https://www.flickr.com/photos/farcloser/12956005435/in/photostream/

Image thanks to Far Closer via CC. Orig. img – https://www.flickr.com/photos/farcloser/12956005435/in/photostream/

 

Note:

Incidentally I was also going through the 7 Essene Mirrors of Relationships that I felt like revisiting. The jealousy reflects the First Mirror and the conversation with my 15-year old marks the Third Mirror – the mirror of the Lost Self. You can view this beautiful recorded workshop given by Gregg Braden (2 hour long) to see how the relationship mirrors work. 

Posted in Inner Child Work, Relationships, Self-healing Tools | Tagged , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Pitfalls of spiritual techniques

A few days back I’d put this up on my Facebook page which attracted a lot of surprise and so I decided to write further on it -

I heard a second case of a person who got mentally thrashed in a Vipassana course. It’s surprising that no one really speaks about the fact that Vipassana, just like any other spiritual technique has its pitfalls. I know I deeply suffered during and after the course. Having been an anapanasati meditator, which is the first step of Vipassana, for almost 3 years before I went to the course, I’d felt and observed wonderful leaps in my own consciousness. It was easy to flow with life. Then when I entered the course, it put me under pressure to observe when in fact my natural practice was to dive in and emerge from every sensation. The disruption lasted for 2 years after the course. Perhaps reflectively, I also met people who waxed eloquent about Vipassana but were so obviously hard on themselves and disconnected from their bodies, under the facade of observation. This created more anger in me towards the practice of meditation. Thanks to another breathing practice, Rebirthing-Breathwork, I was able to heal the wounded attitude towards meditation. One day I looked up the anapanasati sutra on the net. In that the Buddha talks about how gradually awareness proceeds from bodily sensation to emotion to energy and then to the energy current called ‘dhara-pravaha‘. In his case, of course, this naturally took place. I realised that it was not the process, but the institutionalising of something which is an organic progression, and giving it a time boundness that perhaps went against my inherent nature. I also later learnt that in the original vipassana courses people were allowed to speak. My intuition would keep asking me to write, to express during the course, but following the norms I didn’t. I later understood the inherent creative nature one is born with that seeks to express. When not allowed to, it destroys internally. It took a long time for this reactive self destructiveness to heal. In a larger perspective, no technique is flawless. And I hope those who do opt for a Vipassana course, perhaps the sensitive ones, do a strong consultation with their intuition first. 

This is just the grey side of one technique. But I’ve ended up in these grey zones for many other techniques which are worth mentioning. Especially at a stage where I am arriving more and more into a space of “Let It Be”.

Pitfalls of Past Life Regression

The burden of compulsive regressing

A few months ago, I was going through an inner state of helplessness, lethargy and a constant feeling of being blocked (which a few people told me was the presence of  not-so-well-intentioned ‘entities’ in me). During this time I came across a page from a healer in Pune called Mana, whose work resonated with my own spiritual insights I was having about 3-4 years ago. She was getting these insights through, not surprisingly, hypnotherapy and past life regression. For about a year I was unable to regress. This ‘disability’ began when I had entered an inner void at the deepest point in one of my regression sessions about 2-3 years ago and saw that I was nothing, I was only the emptiness around. After that I lost an inner will to regress. Yet not knowing how else to heal the issues that still surfaced in my life, I dragged myself searching for people who would take my past life regression sessions. In the session with Mana, I told her at the beginning that I was unable to regress, and then we went into a hypnotherapy session. At one point she just took me to a light body stage and I waited there, seeing in front of me the person who’s karmic exchange with me was blocking me. Without getting into any past life, Mana told me to do the exchange there itself. I was unsure if the healing would happen this way. It was deeply powerful as it took me to a higher state of ‘seeing’ than in my earlier sessions. When I came out, I was surprised and asked her how that happened. She said “You don’t need it. You’re done with that phase”. That’s when I realised that though the block might be in a past life, one needn’t go there if one doesn’t wish to.

Handing readymade solutions

Much prior to this revealing session, I’d undergone quite a few unsatisfactory healing sessions during this ‘enforced’ regressive phase. In some, the past life regression therapist focused inordinately on the story part – the dates, the validation, the completion. Not just that, the worst were the ones who handed out conclusions, about what was going on with me and what I should do now in response, in contrast to allowing the various points of your life to emerge for you to connect them. The truth is, past life regression only works if you employ both your subconscious memory AND your conscious logical mind.

Loving unconsciousness and glorifying it

One day I received a client who had come to me for past life regression therapy. After a fairly clear first session, she was disappointed she had not gone completely under. She said she didn’t want to aware at all and wanted that thrill of just being absent. That is the misuse of this technique. Many people get into a past life regression to see a better movie about themselves which is where the therapy turns into an ego pampering session. Over years I have consciously stayed away from past life regression therapist groups of my own teacher, Dr.Newton, to avoid the mindless glorification of what one saw in one’s past lives. Many after reading my experiences of past life regression on this blog expect to see something phenomenal and some have even seen such lives, but the truth is, it’s not the validation, the what-you-were excitement that is going to give you any soul growth. It is your conscious ability to ask deeper, more honest questions and a driving need to expand your consciousness that determines the success of this technique. I have spent weeks and sometimes years with a single past life experience, receiving (not figuring) the many layers that it is unraveling of my psyche. This receiving ability is developed not by some therapy, but by a daily (really ‘non-exciting’) meditation practice.

Pitfalls of Rebirthing-Breathwork

This practice that I love very much and endorse a lot also has its pitfalls. Many people get very excited when they read about Rebirthing Breathwork on the net. However, because this technique is so simple, it runs the risk of being ‘packaged’ with something else. The most common request I receive is that of group Breathwork. In fact my own first experience was in a group of about 40 people in a hall, all breathing together, for about 2 hours. Leonard Orr, the pioneer of Breathwork, and so many of his loyal followers strongly suggest against doing group Breathwork.

The trap of group Breathwork

More than 70% of detoxification of the human body happens through breath. Over the years of taking people’s Breathwork sessions, I have ended up ‘smelling’ or getting drowsy from the anasthesia and other drugs/chemicals that people have breathed out through their noses during the sessions. At times I have even passed out. Imagine that you have such a person breathing next to you in a hall, or even worse, you are that person. Effectively, you are then breathing out your ‘muck’ and at the same time breathing in someone else’s. There’s another reason where personally I felt group Breathwork was not working for me. If you were born in an environment where the place was cramped, or you were hurried away immediately to accommodate for the next woman laboring in emergency, then doing group Breathwork can trigger this trauma, and as there is no personal support taking you through this opened up experience, it might push this trauma even deeper into your psyche.

Excessive focus on ‘doing’

I’ve attended 4 retreats conducted by international students of Leonard, many of them learning under him for almost a decade. Every retreat teaches me something totally new about Breathwork that was undiscovered before, based on the personal Breathwork practice of the one who conducts the retreat. A Rebirthing-Breathwork retreat is not just about breathing, but about certain water, fire and earth practices also. While attending a recent retreat, the focus on doing was extraordinary. The message given was “Why are you resting when you could be sitting by a fire?!” (and it is no small feat to sit by a fire on a hot afternoon). Each day of the retreat became a long list of to-dos. Not just that, but even the breathing was made into something forceful, effort-ful. Breathing continuously in a rhythm for 1 hour takes efforts but there is an intuitive direction to it. But when you breathe to push through, Breathwork becomes more like a treadmill, exhausting, rather than energising you. Moreover, it enhances your sense of control whereas in fact Breathwork, also known as Intuitive Breathing, is about relaxing and giving up control, allowing your breath to take over. What this forceful Breathwork can also do is weaken your heart muscles. One of my very dear friends who got me onto Breathwork experienced this after a year of practicing Breathwork diligently. There is exceptional beauty in the breath because it awakens a primal bliss in the body that exponentiates aliveness and healing at a hardcore cellular level. If one doesn’t practice Breathwork correctly, this same technique can do as much harm.

Not having the correct knowledge

About a year ago I received a client who had undergone intense Breathwork sessions from a senior therapist where he had breathed, cried and howled loudly throughout the sessions he had told me. This therapist had put him straight into warm water (which is only recommended after a minimum of 10 dry Breathwork sessions), which had sent him into intense spirals of grief. When he came to me, he still complained of ‘emotional pain’. On going deeper I found out that this therapist perhaps practiced a version of Breathwork where a client crying translated to healing. That is however not true. It can give a high to the therapist who thinks there is healing happening. But for those whose ‘block’ is actually the weepiness and perhaps self-pity they undergo, the healing is actually shaking them out of the drama and getting them to connect to their breath.

Pitfalls of Inner Child healing

Too much openness

When you start connecting with your inner child, you may begin to re-experience the raw emotions you underwent as a child. For a year after I had finished my inner child intensive healing retreat, I was unstable, couldn’t make decisions, became hypersensitive, ran away from home because I was unable to face my parents’ nature, couldn’t work and had emotional breakdowns in a street where seeing a crowd overwhelmed me. It was the most trying time of my life. My sensitivity had come open without any protection. Through this I learned that alongwith inner child healing, one needs to be taught how to take responsibility for one’s feelings and not get carried away by them through inner parenting. For this, an inner parent has to be firmly established, especially in the face of dark emotions that can spontaneously come up.

Over-identifying with the child within

Another time was early last year when I refused to grow up in ways I knew life was asking me to. I had become identified with playing the role of an inner child under the illusion that being childlike is what being ‘real’ or authentic is all about. I learnt, very slowly, that sometimes to live the wisdom in you, you have to play many other roles. And although vulnerability is very highly rated on the internet, socially, it is not wise to be vulnerable where one needs to be decisive and direct.

~

Through this course of ‘evolution’, I’ve come to realise that every technique stays and then leaves. Every technique has a place and one has to go about very intuitively, experimenting with alertness. GD, a spiritual teacher, had a nice way of explaining this. He would say that one starts with the masculine in the initial part of this spiritual journey, where the focus is on doing and learning – doing affirmations, setting intentions, breath techniques, visualisations, manifestations, et al. After a point, you flip into the feminine. Here you begin to unlearn all the techniques. You fall into acceptance rather than pushing yourself to accept. You find yourself listening intently rather than doing. You let go of keeping intentions because there is a trust innately present, an inner sight that the divine has taken over and is unfolding a path through you. I am hovering somewhere here at the moment.

PS: I do online sessions over Skype related to inner child counselling, EFT, The Work etc. for which you can write to me at spirit.of.crea@gmail.comI no longer conduct past life regression. I am also formulating my own Rebirthing-Breathwork retreats based on the one one one work I do with my clients. In case you are looking for Rebirthing-Breathwork retreats being conducted by Rebirthing Breathwork International in India, please contact their page. Love. 

Posted in Inner Child Work, Past life regression therapy, Rebirthing-Breathwork, Self-healing Tools, Spirituality | Tagged , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

13 Life Lessons from the corporate world

It has been a year and four months since I stepped out of the corporate world after almost 6 years. In these last few months I’ve met many between the ages 25 and 35 who wanted to do the same – leave their corporate job and do something of their own.

For most part of the first 6 months, I was “de-stressing”. The stress of going penniless in the future was far worse than the stress of a job at one point. Yet joining self-healing groups helped me deal with this fear moment to moment basis. I also faced a lot of criticism from within which got reflected in my parents who are skeptical of my choices, but for most part, I discovered I was happy.

I thought of writing these life lessons that have been molding me post quitting.

1. Ambition is the biggest stresser 

In the corporate world, if you are not ambitious, you are frowned upon and the collective message you are given is – “There is something wrong with you if you don’t want more”. But what if… what if you really are content with the work that you love? There is hardly any place for that. When you leave the industry (whichever industry that is) for doing something you love, it can be quite a change or challenging to figure out that you don’t want more. The way this hit me was when I was comparing myself with someone who had a lot of clients (a heavy payment for working in the corporate world is that you develop a strong comparing mind) and a part of me was content to have 3 sessions a week. I essentially didn’t want to scale up. I found it ridiculous at first – how could this be?! Slowly I realised that healing, the ‘profession’ I undertook, required an innate tuning of my own mind, body, soul and some more – universal alignment. Every time there was an inner feeling that I “should” be having these many sessions, my system shut down in some way. I learnt to replace ambition with intention. Intention is a way of working in collaboration with the universe. The highest intentions, I learnt in this process, were feeling-based intentions rather than objectified intentions. For example, instead of putting the intention of earning a certain amount, it felt more expansive to have the intention to feel provided for, more than ever before.

2. Being productive

While I hung out watching television for the first time in years, I would constantly have a nagging feeling at the back of my mind. It was as if I was supposed to be somewhere else, doing something else. Whether I went for long baths, or even travelled at the beginning, this feeling persisted. I sat down one day asking myself what this feeling is about and where it came from. I realised it was the constant pressure of having to be productive, where productivity is measured in terms of outcomes. In the corporate world we are taught to make every hour count. We offer time-sheets for every hour spent and therefore there is a constant inner check about how we are spending every hour. In the first few months that I left IT, there were hardly any clients and I felt the pressure to perform immediately. Through the self-help group I mentioned above and after doing loads of EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique), I was able to forgive myself for not producing results immediately. In this phase I was thankfully living alone. This saved me from the guilt of not doing anything that I often take on unconsciously when I’m living with my parents.

3. Gratitude

Being in a world of competition means that you set yourself up for constant comparison in your head. A comparing mind cannot be grateful. After I quit, this comparison would still be there. If not coming from outside with my own parents comparing me with their friends’ daughters, it would come from within, comparing myself to high standards I had set up for myself. In that space of mind, I could hardly feel grateful. Though I taught gratitude, it would be a hit and miss game for myself. After a particular incident when someone accused me of being greedy and ungrateful, I looked within to find where it was coming from – a well-developed comparing mind.  Slowly I joined a group where we had to chant atleast  one 108-bead mala (rosary) of “Thank You” a day.  I had to force myself into gratitude at times. This practice slowly eased me and is still something I keep going back to often. Gratitude is indispensable for cultivating an inner sense of happiness. Of course, happiness was never that important in the world where I worked. Getting things done was.

4. Over-masculinization

This may never be said aloud, but it is a subconscious message I received across all the organisations I worked for, whether it had special privileges for me or not – being a woman means you are not enough. As a woman, you have to prove twice as much that you are as good as a man. For the longest of time, I had trouble trusting my own healing abilities. I still have that trouble every so often. At one point in this last year of transition it had got so severe, that it caused me an emotional breakdown when I was asked to trust. I just couldn’t. I felt disabled. This was because I was taught to rely on my rational mind. In fact during the last months as a software developer, I would intuitively know where and what the problem was without analysis. But when I had to explain how I had come to finding the problem, I was often at a loss of words. Going deeper I realised that it was also the education system which didn’t teach you to take into account your ‘feelings’ about a problem. After researching I was not at all surprised to find that the current mainstream education system was built at the advent of industrialisation – we were raised to work mechanically and logically. Can it be surprising then how women have become so masculine over the years? Not just women but the feminine side in a person has simply no room. After all how can one ask this feminine mind to produce a painting only every Wednesday from 11 a.m to 12 p.m and then focus on understanding and solving a geometric theorem between 12 p.m to 1 p.m?
I also met several women in my sessions who suffered from what Sangeeta Bhagwat also calls the Superwoman Syndrome coming from their corporate culture. They felt the pressure to excel everywhere all the time. What’s more, in the very collective consciousness of the organisation there was no space to be vulnerable, forget expressing yourself from that space. One had to put up a strong, collected face all the time. Where was the time or possibility to allow hormones to do their work of emotional clearing? I don’t promote weepiness at the drop of a hat but rather doing away with the morphogenetic cloud that emotions must be avoided that commonly prevails in organisations.

5. Motivation

As employees we are given recognition or salary perks to keep us motivated. When it came to things like writing and singing which are gifts I like to hone, I found that for quite some time I avoided doing those just for the fulfillment they gave me because my mind was set on making money, and these two didn’t serve me in that direction. That is when I became aware of this inculcated belief that money is motivation for doing something. Truthfully, if that belief is given up, one would see that the real motivation is the love you experience in the process of doing something. Even more alarming is the achievement-driven mentality we hone through our job. I was playing with an 8-year old one day who told me that though she is good at drawing, she doesn’t sketch in vacations because there is no one there to appreciate her or hang her drawing in a public space. I found my own gap in self-appreciation reflected through this. Perhaps we are not being taught in schools how important it is do something for its own sake, rather than to achieve something. After I understood this, I began writing for my own sake and singing what I felt mattered to me. Not surprisingly, I receive mails, messages and sometimes people even mention in their calls how much they connect to and love reading this blog. I am truly grateful. In this process I picked up that excellence is a natural thirst when you are in love with the process of creation. Perfection on the other hand is cultivated or taught, and is outcome-based. It brings down the value of experimenting that is necessary to lead you into your own subtle layers.

6. Going beyond roles

In most organisations, your role comprises of certain responsibilities which are given to you almost implicitly upon joining. However when you are managing your own project, or your own time, you have to often wear many caps and think like different people. Over these last few months I learned how to promote my blog using online marketing strategies, how to re-invest the money I was making back into my own healing work and all this needed that I stepped out of my shell, my role as just a writer who wanted to sit in the quiet of a home and focus on writing or healing. I also learned in the process to ask myself critical questions to go beyond the “shoulds” in my mind so as to experience full satisfaction out of whatever I was doing at the moment.

dilbert - freedom

Apart from the above “unlearnings”, there are a few lessons that I discovered have left their mark on me for the better.

7. Being your own boss

For some of us being self-motivated comes easy, while for others breaking down your vision into simple small achievable steps feels like a big task. Doing something on your own for a long time requires you to put on a boss’s hat and think like one. Sometimes it also requires you to wake up, make different decisions and change course from what you had initially set out to do, trusting your decisions implicitly, giving yourself a pat on your back and set goals. For me it was challenging for the longest of time to set goals. I saw no point in it until I realised I had been procrastinating on some tasks for a very long time. When I dived deeper into this with the help of my brother who is running a start-up venture, we discovered that I could not break down my vision of what I had in mind into small, definable steps, and so I avoided setting goals altogether. Now I set goals even if they feel trivial. I also experiment with behavioural psychology to help me achieve goals consistently, through 3 Tiny Habits. It saves me from the disappointment of not having done anything and helps me to use time efficiently. It also helps me to set out guilt-free, free time to just pander around doing nothing.

8. Finding your own community

Working 8 hours and more alongside people gives the illusion of having people around. It is easy to escape loneliness, an inherent feeling that is present in most of us, when we are working in an organisation. But when there is no work to bury yourself in, nothing exciting or “showstopping” to share with your friends and ex-colleagues, this loneliness or a sense of isolation becomes a looming presence. For the longest of time I struggled with facing this loneliness – the feeling that I have to deal with myself all 24 hours rather than be able to escape into busyness. More and more I got in touch with people like me who are in their 30s and in transition (or have crossed this juncture), the more I felt relieved about the pace of my growth. Joining a spiritual group which had people who were also in this transition helped me to get over the feeling that I was the only one with this mindset. I also consciously began to reach out to people in different careers.

9. Concise, to-the-point communication

Being a part of groups where I had to communicate a lot post quitting, I realised that I was able to get my point across in a very concise and straightforward way. The flip side of being a writer is that you can tend to get roundabout and singsong about the most mundane things, which doesn’t serve a useful purpose when you have to deliver something crisp. Moreover, in a few groups, I also noticed people writing from a very opinionated front, going on and on about what they feel, rather than communicating about the task they were assigned. This helped me realise that I might have fallen into the same trap had it not been for my corporate training over the years. It has honed my communication to intuitively gauge the person’s requirement at the other end, get into a non-judgmental space, express disagreements from a neutral space, maintain boundaries and plume out the inessentials. Another place it helped me was in organising workshops. It helped me to bring transparency to both the parties involved regarding their comfort and put things down in mails so that there was no room for misunderstanding.

10. The importance of structures

The paradox of being very creative is that you need to set a structure to squeeze that creative juice out of you. Being my own boss was initially difficult for me. There would be days when I would write a lot, and weeks when I would write nothing (Facebook posts not counted!) Soon I missed having regularity, missed the urgency of pushing through time and getting things done. It wasn’t for the adrenaline, but rather for the satisfaction of completing something that I wanted to, or having something to show. I decided to join a writing class that would help me bring method to the madness. Writing every Sunday based on specific constructs with blinkers on my eyes for 4 straight hours has been a greater source of joy for me than anything I’ve done in the past few years. It has taken me back to those classroom days (only the enjoyable ones though!) where we had to write a certain kind of a piece in a stipulated time. After a few weeks of this class, I am learning to set aside time every day to write something at a specific time. It may go up on a blog, it may be just free-writing, practicing fiction or plotting out a story line based on a dream. It serves the purpose of giving me a structure, to give creative output space to manifest.

11. Loving challenges

It is a cliché that you need challenges for your growth. But I understood this experientially when I learned to drag myself out of bed at a specific time even when there was nothing to do. I had been lazing as if it was vacation time and feeling very distracted by the day end for months on an end. I had no external disciplinarian and consciously had to face this challenge of learning how compassionate self-discipline is. I had to also learn how to work with a one-pointed focus and was taken back to The Pomodoro Technique. Gauging how much time I would like to spend on an activity is my latest challenge, “timeboxing” as it is called. I know this challenge is essential for me to meet if I have to write a film that successfully conveys all that it is meant to in a specific duration. It is giving me an opportunity to see and address myself as a Creator, and go beyond the feeling of being a slave of time.

12. Voicing problems and solutions at the same time

In the last organisation that I worked, this was one of their principles. Whenever one had to voice a problem, one had to also propose a solution at the same time, however improbable or abstract it might be. In the groups that I was a part of and in developing my own skills in something, I found myself going back to this philosophy. It is very easy to point out a problem, even to yourself many a time, but it takes conscious work to see what could be the possible workarounds or turnarounds. When I started applying this for my writing, I found that I wanted to get more structured, but had no one to guide me. So I started reading articles online and found how to get the editor in me out only after the first draft of writing. I started making notes of what resonated about certain blog posts or blogs that I instantly loved. This also turned my attention more towards what is good and working and how it can get better. Of course, as with every first step you take, it was much later that I came across the writing class I so fondly mention above.

By Jill Sakai

By Jill Sakai

There is one last aspect of learning.

13. Money

Money was a monthly occurrence and would often get spent on luxuries when I was working in IT. It was also the reason for working at anything at all. In this last year, my relationship with money has become more conscious. Not just that, it has given me an on-the-ground insight of how a majority people in India live. I became more vulnerable to the changes in economy and actually felt the pinches of inflation. It was like I was pulled down from my ivory castle into the fields. In the wake of this sensitivity, it also made me realise the value of socio-cultural movements such as Giftivism, which aspires to create a value system of generosity among the urban crowd rather than charity. It encouraged me to be available to people on a flexible payment system and balance it with honouring myself. In the process it brought out my patterns of stinginess, unworthiness, the inner disconnect I felt between spirituality and money, my instinctive resistance to receiving unconditionally and lack of trust in the universe’s giving, which helped me to refine my understanding of abundance. It brought out beliefs such as one mustn’t be paid if one is in an act of service, one shouldn’t hold money for one’s own interests and helped me to observe them for what they are – mere beliefs that were being released for my highest growth. In hindsight, in the cushioned corporate world I might have never faced my beliefs truly in the context of money.

Giftivism

Giftivism

For those who are about to leave their corporate job or are thinking of it, or have already done it, I intend this article gives you clarity to find some grounding where you are.

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Earthing

For the longest of time, I have avoided abandoning my worries to Nature. Mother Earth. The source of it all, the home of our human existence. For me it is easy to sit and meditate in my own home, but to step outside, among other people is not the most comforting. It is definitely not an activity that brings me relaxation. Quite the opposite in fact.

But when the homepath I am consulting currently instructed me to take walks barefoot on the grass, I was determined to follow it. This is a known technique called “earthing“. In fact there is even a book about it.

A couple of days ago an energetic rollercoaster hit me. I was in puddles of emotion. I took the first healing route that I had known – writing. I wrote to myself all that I was feeling. As Carl Jung says (and I put up the full quote in the section on the right side of this blog), one brings about one’s own light simply by making the darkness conscious. I have learned various ways of writing over the years, and different writing heals at different times, but the absolute basic, the simplest, is writing unadulterated all that you are feeling.

Writing gives me clarity. It helps me see the proverbial tunnel I am standing in so I can see where the light is. I was led to water. Taking a long, long bath, moving from warm water to cool water and gradually into cold water soothed the emotions. But my mind was still spinning stressful thoughts. At one point, I even encountered a suicidal thought which was surprising! My wise inner child told me that she wanted to go to a park, walk on the grass. I had recently heard of a public park constructed by an IT company in which various medicinal herbs were planted. I felt a calling to visit this place. Off I went on my two wheeler.

After reaching there, I was pleasantly surprised to find a path of red, super-soft sand created to walk on around the peripheral. I am often fascinated by burnished red earth and would enjoy those rare times my feet would be covered in red paint, called “alta” before my annual Bharatnatyam performances in my childhood. While I walked around the periphery, I saw several pockets of grassy patches created. There were tiny toddlers playing on a couple of these patches which were just the size of public swimming pools. I felt awkward to sit among them. So I took a few rounds along the sandy trail to make myself more comfortable. Then I felt a slight connection to one of the patches which was not as crowded and was quiet.

What happened next is what I wrote a poem about later that evening. I kept going into spells of deep trance, discovering how powerful and magnetic earth energy really is. After I came back home I felt quieter than in months. I was very attached to my meditation practice prior to this incident. Through this one, I decided to hold it lightly. I had experienced great oneness with the elements of Water, Air and Fire through the Rebirthing-Breathwork lifestyle. This was the first time though I experienced the element, or rather, the “universe” of Earth. Yes, elements do heal the mind faster than the mind can heal itself. Mine was dissolved into Her embrace. I was ensconced in an alert silence when I returned back home.

Today I saw the stars coming into their light
As the evening sky unwrapped from blue to dusk
As I lay on the yellow green grass,
Earthing myself after a very emotional day;
I saw anger rise to crescendo,
until it made me ask how is it that even after so long
I don’t know how to live correctly?!
I saw tears fall like the petals from a crowd,
mourning the death of a star on the streets
that made me wonder why, after all this time,
Life still gives me time?
I renegaded my floaters to a rock at the corner
and walked a dozen-teen steps that wound
every spiral of thoughts down.
Walking back to that rock, I then watched kids
playing on the grass around me -
One moment a warrior princess, another an alert sibling,
they changed roles without any will.
The tempest within had found a resting point.
I laid back on that tiny refuge of a rock,
my legs spread out on the supple grass,
my eyes drinking in through cobwebs of darkness,
Watching the vast, vast Father sky
Watching me.
There was nothing left to choose anymore…
Mother earth had taken me in,
my baby mind snoring on her bosom.

“Tears of Earth” by Eisgräfin via Creative Commons

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Childhood Rage

She walked into the house after a long commute back from work, with eyes flashing angrily at her mother who opened the door. She went straight into her room and banged the door shut. It was clear that she was outraged. Unfortunately the reasons were so many, that the moment she looked at her mother, anger rose up in her with a vice-like grip. At times in this raging madness, she would bang her head against the walls. She wanted to destroy herself and everything else that came in the way. She wrote dark songs sometimes, and tried to drown herself in blaring rock music. What was strange though, was that lately the anger needed no reason. She was angry all the time. It had become a habit, perhaps even an addiction. That is when she was afraid that she had lost control. 

This is a scene from my life about 8 years ago when I had just graduated from college and started working. Even during college days there would be several ‘episodes’ of rage – I remember riding my bike down at a high speed at 3am in the night all alone from my college back to my home, a distance of about 7-8 kms without any helmet, because I was outraged by a band member not listening to me as we were going through rehearsals for a performance.

I am no stranger to rage. The earliest I remember of it was my mother who would be outraged during my childhood. I would clamor in fear at her rage while she threw things around during those times. Though these episodes weren’t frequent, they were memorable. It inevitably bred fear in me for she was the authority in my life.

Seeing rage for what it is

Over time though, being on both sides of it, I’ve learnt that rage is not about violence. Rage is a tendency to take ‘it’ out on someone or something – the anger that has been suppressed for so long that the mind-body-soul cannot contain it anymore. But rage is a lot more than anger. At the heart of it, is severe pain – an anguish, a grief that feels like it is literally tearing the soul apart because of which a person is driven to ‘compliment’ it physically – by taking things apart in the outer world. This can manifest into throwing things physically, the urge to break things, and worse still, wanting to experience physical pain. Over time, the only solution I have found is a process that I make my clients go through when they have ‘anger issues’.

Image used under creative commons via Palladius

Image used under creative commons via Palladius

Handling Rage

Show up for your anger

The first step I usually take my clients through, is to help their anger have a voice. Allow your rage to abuse, curse, shout, give it a pillow to hit on the floor or pages to tear or scribble on. Keep expressing it until it is truly and fully out of your system without injuring yourself or anyone else. The next step is to sit with it.

The Heart of rage

Often the heart is bleeding. It is in grief or is blocked completely or partially because of guilt. Through meditation or Breathwork, I take my clients to the point where this rage was created. It is not the first time one got angry, but in fact a significant point when anger was suppressed when it needed to be expressed. As a result it was not just anger, but grief or anguish that got buried because you couldn’t express it. Essentially, the core belief is that you abandoned or rejected your own voice. It could also be accompanied with a sense of betrayal.

Grieving

Grieving is expressing the sorrow triggered when you were denied something you intrinsically felt you deserved. Experiencing and expressing all the thoughts and feelings connected to grief is crucial. It is a wounding that has happened in the heart. It is experienced as a loss of who you were or thought you were. Allowing yourself to go through that grief is necessary only upto the point where you come to understand what this loss, this ache is about. What part of you went missing as a result of this? Once you understand this, you can…

Take responsibility

You cannot remain angry at a person who understands your grief. You can be that saviour for yourself. Understanding that in those moments when rage got created you couldn’t have done anything different, shifts the perception into forgiveness. Eventually you understand that your intention behind what you did or didn’t do was not to abandon or reject yourself. You therefore take responsibility for the anger. It simply wasn’t personal. At this point you must truly question your loss. Is it something you really lost? Or has it shown up in your life in another form? My favorite, Byron Katie says, “Forgiveness is the understanding that what you thought happened didn’t really happen.

"Always crying" used under creative commons via GemMoth

Always crying” used under creative commons via GemMoth

Healing rage in children

Children are masters who will expose every hidden trait that lies within you. Rage in children is reflected rage – it is actually a deep-seated rage either or both parents or whoever they are around the most, have within themselves and is unresolved. It often does not belong to the child. I had one such case where the mother told me about her child’s outrage when he was given something to eat. When we looked inside her past, she had a distinct episode of rage in her own childhood where she was subjected to a very harsh treatment by her mother for not having finished her lunchbox which resulted into rage. The moment she saw this in her own childhood, she understood where the rage came from. The next day she told me excitedly how her child had stopped throwing tantrums altogether during mealtimes. Furthermore instead of being triggered by him, she was able to logically tell him the consequences of not having food and allow him to make his own decision whether he wanted to eat or not. He made his own decision to eat.

A senior therapist told me of another case she had handled. A child was brought to her who refused to go to school inspite of having good grades. When she started the session, all he said was that he was angry at one of his teachers. This teacher had punished him for not following instructions and drawing something else from what she had asked the class to draw. He said he was angry at her. So the therapist gave him a pillow and asked him to express it. He did all sorts of things to express his anger. He then asked if he could go to a room alone somewhere with it. She told him to go ahead. He then went away with the pillow and when she quietly peered into the room, she found him stabbing and stamping on the pillow calling out his teacher’s name. After a while the rage was spent. His grief at not being allowed to do what he felt like doing was expressed. He went back to school a happy, light boy. It is unimaginable to think what this rage would have done to him had it not been expressed and understood.

Anger Corner

I often recommend an anger corner in the house where kids are shown, by example, that whenever any family member is angry, they go there to vent it out. A school in Bangalore based on the principles of spiritual parenting has such a corner in their classrooms. It has clay, colored paper, and other things that kids can walk up to at anytime, even in the middle of the class, to vent out their emotions. When they feel done, they rejoin the class. The class goes on as if nothing happened. This gives them a clear message – Anger and all other emotions are completely okay.

Rage – Shiva Energy

The occurrences of rage in my life have significantly gone down. In fact the last time I went into a fit of rage, it was spontaneous and I automatically stepped into the witnessing consciousness. A dialogue between the Higher Self or the inner guru  and the outraged protagonist ensued. The inner guru was listening and responding to the agony and the outbursts the persona was venting out, while the awareness behind it was heightening until nothing remained but a deep inner silence without any distinctions. During this the body was moved by the rage, tears were shed, agony felt, while I was simply watching this drama rise and collapse. I seemed to have no involvement in this process whatsoever. I daresay I’m fascinated by these spells now. They deepen my understanding of me being just a witness. In the aftermath, I felt lighter and freer. There was an acute rise in sensitivity of my human existence and I felt like bowing to the earth humbled by its power. I appreciate these spells as the Shiva or Rudra energy, the Destroyer that is, which personifies itself through me during those moments. In this vast tapestry of human experience, I understand that this energy is needed to burn down the false personas based on lack.  After all, you cannot wean off personas.

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Why it’s Crucial for Women to Heal the Mother Wound

Deepti G Gujar:

It is a blessing to find this article. My whole journey into spirituality was at its core about finding love for my own mother and resolve the rage going on between both sides. By and by through persistent work I’ve come to understand that the anger in our relationship was not as personal as we thought it was.
This reblogged article arrives very synchronously. I was talking to a friend very recently about the rage and abuse inflicted upon her by her mother-in-law and her husband remaining silent in the face of that out of the guilt-based thought – “My mother has done so much for us so I cannot tell her anything“. She eventually had to give up on the marriage working out in the presence of her mother-in-law. As we spoke, she shared her mother in law’s history – she came from a rich family but because of a tiny health issue, she was married off to someone who was less wealthy. Subsequently she had to work from the ground up to prove her worth which she eventually did with a flourishing business of her own. But the wound of having had to compromise her sense of self to fit into a family who was poorer than her natural one, seemed to have left a mark. My friend also came from a family more well off than her spouse’s family. She had never had to cook in her life. However, after getting married she was constantly belittled on the fact that she cannot cook. Even as she started to learn, at one point she had to give up her career to save her marriage by learning to cook and keep a good house. At one point, her mother in law pointedly told her that she would make sure that her wings are cut off. This is a sordid reflection of what must have happened to her, or her interpretation of the circumstances of her own marriage. This is not the story of an uneducated, poor class of people. My friend and her husband are both engineers who have their independent corporate careers. This is the story of an educated middle class.

And this is just one out of many wounds.

Another friend of mine was constantly blaming herself for all the tension in the house brought on by her mother. She was constantly disturbed by the verbal abuse her mother inflicted on her father. She tried innumerable therapies to resolve this but could never come to peace with the way things were. I often sensed the immense guilt and sense of responsibility she carried on her shoulders to somehow make the family alright and bring them peace. Though the silver lining is that she has with determination pursued exercises to bring her peace, she has not been able to forgive herself for not making things right. Through this family drama, she has got sucked into the belief that she has betrayed her family somehow which makes her go very hard on herself. Today she is a soon-to-be mother. I genuinely pray that by reading this article she finds the kindness within her to absolve herself of the crime she thinks she has made. She was never meant to get her parents’ marriage working. It wasn’t her job.

Lastly, I struggled for years to understand and free myself of this pain of a marriage going sour. I still find traces of this. Though I have found immense forgiveness and compassion for my mother, I am still hesitant to act out on some of my desires out of fear that I will break her expectation of me or that I will outdo her expectations in some way. Apparently the two extremities do go together. I am still searching within me to find the courage to speak for myself and acknowledge that I have been a good daughter. A part of me seems to never allow me to do so. It is incidental that the time I write this, I feel called to take care of her as she is undergoing health issues. I question myself often, “Am I doing this out of duty? Am I doing this out of guilt? Or obligation? Or simply because I want to win the title of a “good daughter” and finally feel guilt-free?” These are tough questions. But the answers are the only way to allow myself to realise my full potential.
Thankfully, by and by emotions have been coming up and leaving. The answers are not coming in terms of words but are coming in through feelings of gratitude and appreciation of who I am. I don’t have to be a good daughter. It is okay to be loving, even from a distance.
~
I sincerely hope you read the article below even if it is long, and share it with your girlfriends, mothers and MILs. Invite them to voice their history, their agony of never being allowed to be who they are. It might just save a generation from carrying the same wound.

Originally posted on Womb Of Light:

What many people do not realize is that the core issue at the center of women’s empowerment is the mother wound.

ElizabethBauman

Difficulty and challenges between mothers and daughters are rampant and widespread but not openly spoken about. The taboo about speaking about the pain of the mother wound is what keeps it in place and keeps it hidden in shadow, festering and out of view.

What exactly is the mother wound?

The mother wound is the pain of being a woman passed down through generations of women in patriarchal cultures. And it includes the dysfunctional coping mechanisms that are used to process that pain.

The mother wound includes the pain of:

  • Comparison: not feeling good enough
  • Shame: consistent background sense that there is something wrong with you
  • Attenuation: Feeling you must remain small in order to be loved
  • Persistent sense of guilt for wanting more than you currently have

The…

View original 3,151 more words

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Into the heart with 2014

Perhaps I’m following the Chinese New Year rather than the calendar new year, for this is my first post of 2014.

Purely by intuition I discovered an organic farm cum expansive fruit orchard with a non-dairy and gluten-free menu just on the outskirts of Mumbai, in the last few weeks of last year. I felt called to organise a new year spiritual retreat for Nithya Shanti. And ever since everything slowed down. My thoughts that is. I had a lovely time participating in the retreat, sleeping in a mud house open from two sides, surrounded by Moringa and fruit trees. After ages, I stepped into the cold exhilarating rush of a waterfall bordering the farm and the delight of a child as I lit a Chinese floating lantern and released it in the sky past midnight, just after we entered 2014 in the pitch darkness of a teakwood forest.

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As happens so often with me these days, small sentences spoken here and there by people around open up layers of perspectives and shift me into wonder. One such line was “Speak to improve upon the silence“. It quietened me considerably. For a long time I was antsy that I had not written anything on this beautiful blog. And then I no longer was. I knew it will be written in God’s timing. This line has thus become my intention for this year.

When the retreat started, I didn’t have expectations. I just allowed myself to sink into the environment of birdsong all day, guests walking around in the rustic walk-in kitchen and treating each other as if they had always been there and playing with the innumerable, adorable kittens that were forever strolling in and out of our beds.

At the beginning, Nithya asked us to write our intention for the retreat or a question that we would like an answer to. Mine was simply “Why create?“. Prior to the retreat I’d been wondering as to whether surrender, letting go and non-doership translated to not setting any intentions. Every time I set intentions, I struggled to accept myself. I felt guilty that I was interfering. Inspite of that, my intentions would manifest in a way far better than what I could have imagined. At one point during the retreat, we were practicing an exercise recommended by Adyashanti in one of his books – asking yourself 2 questions that will bring back the mind into the present moment -

1. What do I want? OR What do I not want?

2. What happens when I don’t get what I want? OR What happens when I get what I don’t want?

When it was my turn, I replied “I want to create“. Before I went on to the next question though, Nithya pointed out something that instantly opened up my understanding of my inner conflict. “The issue is not with your wanting”, he said, “it is with the ‘I’. You think you are the one creating but actually it is life creating through you”. This perspective has lightened me up considerably. 

Through the retreat I was touched by the small exercises we practiced – making the Buddhist symbol Mai-Yur-Ma to bless people, learning about how to receive and respond to good news, learning the 8 basic Chi-Gong movements, doing the Hour of Power after waking up, writing a list of 108s and doing a 68 second visualisation for each other, discovering miracles happening unfold because of it!

What moved me the most were the videos we watched though. One of them was a video of how a black woman responds to hairdresser who is judgmental about one of her client’s interracial relationship which takes empathy to the next level. It made me reflect on how it is one thing to put yourself in another’s shoes, but totally another to feel them within their head. Here it is – 

We also watched a stunning film on Anna, an animal tracker. This film, titled the Animal Communicator takes us on Anna’s journey where she receives and sends messages, visions, intuitive information from all sorts of animals and is therefore sought by zoos and wildlife parks to use this gift in assisting animals who are in trouble. This absolutely earthy wisdom was previously known and used by many native tribes around the world to track animals, usually before they would hunt, so as to establish an understanding with the animal spirit. I watched this film several times after the retreat. Each time it moved me to tears with the heart-breaking realisation that we live in a world we don’t yet understand. It has awakened a strong desire in me to feel, experience and understand them as precious, sentient beings. More so, I have become aware that Earth has a consciousness of her own that needs a lot of deep inner silence for us to really tune into within and without our bodies.

~

Today I logged in spontaneously after becoming a part of a closed group on Facebook called Million Thank You’s Practice Group started by Nithya. “If you say ‘Thank-you’ a million times, your universe is transformed forever!” goes a Japanese saying. This is what we intend to do – to hold the space and say a million Thank You’s over this year.

I was told by a friend that 2014 is a year of miracles. A week ago I did an experiment based on Doreen Virtue’s Facebook update – I kept repeating the phrase, “Thank You God for answering my prayers!“. So much ease flowed into my life. I found a homeopathic doctor I could trust who gave me the perfect thing to wash away my past baggage I was tired of carrying but didn’t know how to drop. A slot opened up with my therapist and we could do a session that cleared the attachment weighing down one of my closest relationships thereby making me feel closer to this person. A group that had become energetically very draining to be a part of dismantled on its own. I discovered a great heart connection with the women who attended the new year retreat and we have a lovely Whatsapp group going where we do visualisations for each other, bless each other and share wonderful recipes for great health. I found natural cures for Vitamin B12 and relieving acidity that are super-easy to prepare. I received wonderful feedback on the healing sessions I had done for various people over the last year. The more you are grateful for, the more you find things to be grateful for.

Gratitude – Beauty – Smile is the simplest formula I have found to stay heart-centered. And this is my wish for you readers and subscribers. Even though I have not penned a word for so long, I logged in to the WordPress notification today that my stats are booming. I could not be more happy! :-) Thank You for being co-creators of this joy.

Wish you a miraculous and a heartful 2014, the year of the Wooden Horse.

Signing off with a video that has my formula of staying with your heart -

365grateful.com from hailey bartholomew on Vimeo.

Posted in Everyday realizations, Inspiring Videos, Spiritual Workshop | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Body language

jaggi_vasudev

Recently I did a past life regression for a client who experienced a “wound” or a block at the back of her throat. Her query for going into a regression was to find clarity about her career. She was wondering if she should pursue being a doctor. She also had a great love for singing and had studied it off and on but never really pursued it full-time. During the regression as she explored this stuckness at the back of her throat she went into a lifetime where she was a musician. During the integration of how that related to this life, she became aware of the belief that she needs to suffer, to delay her happiness, in order to deserve it. This led to her ignoring the pursuit of music which was her heart’s calling. Her mind though didn’t allow it because she received instant joy from it. In the process of regression, her body didn’t allow that to remain hidden anymore. In my experience, such unconscious wounds manifest into diseases or sickness.

For over a year my intuition kept saying that I was ready to do healing and music full time. I ignored it for financial reasons. I kept getting sicker and sicker for a year. Undiagnosed. Until a check showed me that my vitamins were super low. At one level, I attributed it to my diet of being a vegetarian. At a deeper level, I asked what do vitamins really mean? Vitality came the answer. Where was I feeling alive? The answer was – nowhere. I was sapping my own vitality by not doing things that made me feel alive on an everyday basis. It has been a year since I quit my job to pursue activities like writing, singing, traveling and anything else that fills me with joy. Yet today the stress of having a negligible bank balance is nothing compared to the stress of feeling dead and numbed by my mundane IT job.

For healers, their clients are more often than not mirrors of something that is healing within them. Like this client above, I tend to delay singing, which has been my passion since childhood. One day I was feeling unusually restless. My mind was super active and I had started getting frequent headaches. Meditation didn’t help. My bowel movements were upset too which my Ayurvedic doctor said was owing to too much mental activity. I sat down and asked my body, “What is it that you want?!”, much like a frustrated mother. I felt a lump in my throat and the diaphragm vibrate as if I was singing. I got my tanpura machine out and started tuning my voice. In the 2 hours that I spent then, the restlessness ceased, the mind quietened. For a few days I started practicing regularly. My digestion got better. I felt energised, rather than exhausted after each practice session. Today even as I write this, it is again a reminder for me to restart my regular practice, for just last night, I had a vivid dream of singing with a full throat, operatically. The subconscious finds ways to communicate to our conscious self. And I choose to listen rather than ignore this second sign (the first sign being the client).

Dr.Newton Kondaveti, my past life regression teacher, has written a book called Consciousness Heals which talks about how the body is a hologram of your subconscious mind. He loving quotes to us often, “the body never lies“. The signs of discomfort that our body shows are messages. Even though some of us know this and have practiced listening to the body and seeing the success behind it in the past, we get lazy, or fall back into the old groove of things and start ignoring our body language. It is so easy to go to a doctor, get a prescription, get a few drugs and go back to the same way of living. But what if we stopped for a moment and looked deeper? My earliest beliefs about my body were that it is just there. I almost treated it like a machine. I popped pills like Crocin, etc. without a second thought. Until I read Deepak Chopra’s book, Quantum Healing when I was about 17 years old. I was stunned by the outlook of how the mind is an energetic entity present in every cell of the body. Hence, effectively our body is like an intelligent, ever-alert organism that is listening to our thoughts 24×7. It not only listens to those thoughts, but organically feels those thoughts and shapes itself accordingly.

In another spontaneous healing months ago I was sitting in GD‘s Sunday sessions and felt like crying. I was tired of being sick owing to one year of regular fevers and indigestion. I was on a heavy Ayurveda course but I felt like I was hanging by a thread. I was afraid to die. That Sunday I was also very tensed and scared. Through the session, something GD said triggered me and I started crying copiously. The thoughts that went on in my mind were, “why do I have to have this body?! I hate this body! I just want to die and get it over with!” I had spontaneously processed a past life conditioning that the body is a burden to the soul. Hence, I was dreading paying attention to it. After that catharsis and looking at the root thought i.e the body is a burden, I felt much lighter than I had in over a year. I stopped taking the weakness so seriously. I was calmer while paying attention to the body. At the same time, GD’s advaitic reminder that “you are not the body, you are not the mind“, finally started to open up a greater awareness. This same thought was being used earlier to escape the body, rather than treat the body as an instrument of the divine, a mistake a lot of Advaita followers do.

There are so many other ways in which body needs to be addressed instead of just through diets, cancer and exercise. Leonard Orr, pioneer of Rebirthing-Breathwork and Immortality in his book The Owner’s Manual writes about how the element of Earth relates to our body. In that he mentions that not only is regular fasting a powerful way of earth purification that heals the body, but also your career. There is a wonderful affirmation he gives:

I daily make valuable contributions to the aliveness of myself, others and of humanity.

I am tempted to think that our favorite singers, filmmakers and artists who make us come alive are the biggest healers on this planet right now. I love watching an American television series called So you think you can dance and I am deeply moved by the sheer quality of heart and soul they put into dancing. In some sequences it feels like they are moving the whole world through their body. It transcends competition. And it almost always makes me get up and sing with more passion, or do yoga with more zest.

The other ways I have found to relate to the body are – blessing the water that I drink or have a bath with, inspired by Massaru Emoto’s Water Experiment. Chanting the mantra “Om Namah Shivay” before I start cooking, inspired by my grandmother who cooked the most delicious food ever. Blessing the food on my plate with the mantra “Krishnarpan” – dedicating the food to Lord Krishna and invoking his presence who transformed the poison in the 14th century saint, Mirabai’s body (since we are exposed to so many chemicals in the food we are served regularly), asking him to transform it into Light. Silently sending gratitude and abundance to all who conspired to bring it to my plate. Sleeping a good 10 to 12 hours a day that makes me feel refreshed and happy. I also “verify” some of my decisions by passing that thought through my body and checking how the decision feels in my body. Usually, intuitions, knowingness arrive at a bodily level too.

I came across another interesting case through a friend of mine who is a tarot card reader. As she looked up the cards for a health issue a client was going through, the cards said that this lady had suppressed her romantic feelings in a past relationship which led to an upset in her body. Somewhere she had begun to get a message that her romantic nature is not okay with this past lover which led to her childlike enthusiasm being suppressed. She was quite shocked to discover this and as she went on to make a list of what her romantic desires were, her own comfort with herself increased. This subsequently alleviated her symptoms.

Recently, the Hay House newsletter carried the following excerpt:

Now I was watching Lissa Rankin—a doctor in today’s generation of new thinkers. Her patients aren’t the Baby Boomers who grew up on fast-food, sugar-coated cereals and excessive dairy products. Many of Lissa’s patients are joggers, juicers and health nuts. They eat their green vegetables, exercise daily and watch their weight. Yet many of them still have the same problems that we all have—they are feeling sick, tired and headachy and they aren’t sleeping well, still gaining weight and losing their drive to carry on another day.

The turning point for Lissa was when she decided to ask her patients a very critical question: “What does your body need in order to heal?” She didn’t expect the answers she heard: “I need to quit my lousy job” “I need to forgive my father.” “I need to write my novel.” “I need to leave my toxic relationship.”

Then Lissa told her patients something they didn’t expect either. She said that they could write their own prescription and optimize their chance of being cured of any health conditions that might plague them. She did her research and had scientific proof that they could heal their lives.

The best prescription for your health is written by you alone. And slowly I guess all of us are waking up to the fact that how can another person based on certain, however elaborate studies, be the authority for what fix you need to apply to your body to “set it right” when it was never a standard machine in the first place? 

With gratitude to author Chitra Jha for her FB update on the body’s wisdom.

Posted in Everyday realizations, Past life regression therapy, Reproduced articles, Wellness & Beauty | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | 12 Comments

Imagination

imagination

Sometimes I get a feeling that I am living an imaginary life. That I am not real. All of this is psychedelia.

Recently when I underwent a past life regression, it returned me to a spiral of stories connected to the people currently in my life. It gave me explanations for my behaviour and theirs which we were playing out from an unconscious remembering of our past lives together. Months ago I had watched the film Cloud Atlas and was moved by the beauty of bringing the intricacies of interconnected lives across timelines onscreen by the director. I wondered honestly if he had undergone past life regression sessions, not one but several, because he had so meticulously pieced the puzzle of sharing multiple lifetimes together. Just like we see it when we ourselves undergo a regression session.

Ever since this recent session a lot of my pieces fell into place. Yet again.

I came to terms with the overwhelm of just being alive. Since as far as I can remember, I was scared of life – it’s almost as if I knew with deathlike certainty that something bad is going to happen. After a dramatic birth, life too was a series of events year after year after year. Every now and then, inspite of all my spiritual discipline, I fall into this groove of thinking, what am I doing in this life! It sometimes seems like I am handed with this life and in the process of incarnating, I lost the manual somewhere in the time warp. It is not like I don’t know my life’s purpose – which, as deceptively simple as it may sound, is simply to enjoy and create. This is an even subtler and deeper mystery – what am I to do with this life that I have been given? I wonder. It feels like a privilege and a power for which I intensely feel responsible. So much so that after seeing the depths of this life, I recede into a numbness. It is surprising how little one thinks of death on a day to day basis compared to how much one feels it in the body through its reactions vis a vis how much one thinks life is out to get you.

And yet all of this exists in the realm of thought alone and hence is imaginary.

In my recent regression, my therapist used a very different technique on me called bodywork. As she commanded my body to re-live a memory and release it, a part of me paralysed. I started recollecting memories of a lifetime I had never expected to. And yet as I was undergoing the process, a deeper part of me was questioning, what if this body is imaginary too? What if all these cells are just imagined? I take a deep breath now even as I feel this question.

I thrive on Breathwork retreats for my existence. The long lease of life I feel after having undergone just 5 days of a Breathwork intensive are incomparable. I feel like someone kindly found my manual and returned it back to me that I had lost somewhere in the time tunnel. I feel alive and grateful. And somewhere a deep restfulness returns – it is as if I am somewhere in between lives – beyond the grasp of death and above the survival fears of life. And that is usually when I “catch up”.

Maybe some of you reading this are the ones whose sessions I have been repeatedly cancelling or indefinitely postponing after the Breathwork workshops that culminated over a week ago. This is what I have been doing – dealing with the overwhelm of finally getting a break in life from the mere stress of being alive. I shall move into the first gear soon, but not right now. I ask you to be patient with me. Just as the stars are. Mercury is in retrogade in my sun sign Scorpio and a Solar Eclipse headed our way conjuncting Saturn again in the sign of Scorpio. My cellphone broke a couple of weeks ago and after it got repaired last week, it has almost completely broken down. I am lucky. I have been given time. And I feel like after a long illness, I have finally recovered but I am still put on a respirator to go easy on myself. I’m convalescing. And it is such a big relief.

And yet this is all story. Completeness is what I feel more strongly than ever. It takes courage to bring up as many memories as your soul wants to, like rabbits being pulled out of a magician’s hat. And yes, like magic, the memories don’t end, the magic show is ever-so-entertaining except when the magician pulls out the finale for the evening – Love. This time, my finale revolved around receiving love, how I had accepted someone’s curse on me to not receive love, taken it as a contract and had created one lifetime after another of experiencing a “tin heart” which could receive no love. Through recent months, this numbness gnawed at me. Through the session, the pieces fell like snowflakes on a Christmas night, each at its perfect place. I was just witnessing. A story gathered itself and my mind restored the leftover identities. I saw in a fresh new light that communion with my own, grand, wise, old Soul is all I seek. When I am listening to it and it is one with me, I walk the earth without caution. A deathlessness occurs. Emotions are lived without labels and desires are lived through without clinging. But none of that feels important. It is the oneness with my Soul which feels real. Even if I can touch it, taste it, hear it or see it, everything else is just imagination. And yet knowing that this feeling of being real too shall pass, I am baffled. It seems I have lost the game and my fragile ego won’t yet admit it.

Nevertheless I am starting to open up and see beyond the miracle of being alive. In my teens I used to keep a tiny pocket notebook where I would write down my own quotations as I made my way through my schoolwork. One of my favorites was – “What matters is that you remember that after the dream has come true you still have to live”.
I now realise the deeper nuances of this guidance. There is a life beyond dreams, achievements and desires, and I am just beginning to see it. And that is taking me through this fear of my dreams coming true because I won’t have to die for them to be realised. Death after all is more of an imagination, for I have felt, in my gut, that even after we die, we can have thoughts – of regret, remorse, guilt. Death is no longer an escape. So I’d like to set my thoughts right and “clean up” without hoping that an act called death is going to do it for me. And while all my feelings are also just part of one big imagination, I still want to clear this veil as much as I possibly can. Maybe then the gulf between reality and imagination won’t be so wide. Maybe by then I would have stopped getting affected by this gulf I keep seeing. Maybe then, this gulf itself would have become imaginary.

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Integrating Breathwork with Advaita

Over the past 2 weeks I was the busiest that I have been in the last 9 months since I left my job. I’m wondering now if 9-month is my ‘official incubation time’ for any project because it certainly seems like a cycle. As I got called to arrange a talk, then a workshop and seminars for Leonard Orr and his group that were visiting my hometown, Pune, I saw even more of spirituality in practice in myself than ever before.

I had never wanted to be an organiser. I ‘happened’ to be hanging around Erik Berglund 3-4 years back when I was asked if I would arrange a workshop for him in Pune. I said “Yes” without thinking. That was when it started. A few months ago, when I started taking this organising stuff a bit seriously, I ran into all sorts of trouble. When I stepped back, the best I could deduce from it was that if it happens, it happens. If I try to get into the doership of it, it just feels terrible and non-fun.

This time I got a call from one of my friends who had just met Leonard at a place near Pune asking me if I was willing to organise a talk. I again said “Yes” excited that I was going to get to meet him. After hanging up I realised that I had told myself I shall not organise anything for anyone. I didn’t have the heart to call back and say that I didn’t want to do it. So I went ahead. Everything was last minute. I had to follow my intuition all the way through right from picking the venue to the amounts to be paid to each stakeholder to asking the angels for help in planning a setup, not knowing what would be preferred by Leonard since I had no direct access to him. Everything flowed smoothly with just a few hiccups. There was disappointment from an unrelated party that was promptly vented out to me and I also came to terms with my judgments.

For a few weeks (or maybe months) I was in the space of the thought – “I have no value“. Under the weight of this thought I dragged myself out of bed the morning after the talk to “show up” for a workshop Leonard was conducting almost next door to where I live. Soon, dynamics of a week-long workshop and seminars were worked out and I found myself running again, taking quick decisions based on my intuition. In hindsight, as I reflect on it, I congratulate myself for getting the number of people I had promised from my end, getting the logistics worked out for one of the seminars and showing up inspite of the repeated bashing up my mind did with me. By the end of the seventh day, I felt my feet touch a kind, soft, gentle earth within me. How grateful I feel now, as I assimilate all of this, for having courage, speaking my truth, ignoring my demeaning thoughts, staying true to my feelings, and remembering GD‘s wisdom that don’t get attached to any experience that some technique or teacher gives you. Just remember that only awareness is real. A week prior he had read an extract from Nisargadatta Maharaj‘s book, I am That, which I used as an anchor:

Things happen around me. I take no part in it. Event becomes an experience only when I am emotionally involved. I am in a state which is complete. Of what use is experience to me?

I am glad I did. It helped me to not get swayed by the strong energies of people around me, to stop expecting grand realisations or insights from any of the sessions I underwent; it also taught me to use my emotions as a pointer to when I am getting attached.

Another lesson for me was the polarity of emotions. After I had attended a workshop last year, a participant told me what a drama queen I am for crying so much. It shut me down to expressing my emotions openly and I secretly started shunning my emotions thinking that all emotion was drama. During this week, I went to the depth of it. A large part of it was triggered weeks before this workshop when GD appreciated me for not wanting to hang on to drama even though at that time I was very emotional. This week gave me the stillness to integrate that and learn that being emotional is okay.

As my acceptance of emotions got clearer, I realised that even if I am emotional, I can be sincere and not be acting from drama. I have still to clarify this with GD but I have a suspicion now that emotion may or may not be linked to drama. Not all emotions point to the truth and not all emotions may lead to drama. For now, I am willing to sit in the awareness of this doubt rather than clearing it. This decoupling made it possible to convey my ‘truth’ to others. At one point I felt terrible for not having taken care of one of the participants who, on the last day, told me that she was greatly inconvenienced by the facilities and even unknowingly discouraged her friend who was planning to attend the next week that was to follow. It brought me back to the awareness that I can atleast speak the truth as lovingly as I can. My old pattern was to be silent and never talk to that person again. Here again, GD’s invaluable teaching came like a sharp sword, “Don’t go negative on the relationship”, he had said. “On this path of awareness things are bound to get triggered and come up for all sides. Stay as open and aware as you can”. It was hard to put this into action and I did manage to not make an enemy out of anyone, including myself, for the unfolding of the situation. Ultimately, the other person also seemed to have got it. She worked out the situation for the next week for herself and got her friend to give the workshop a try for a day. It all ended well and I was thoroughly grateful.

Another learning happened when one of the participants was terrified of breathing in the course of a session and wanted someone to give her energy through ‘external means’ such as Reiki. She was promptly told by one of the Breathworkers to trust her breath and to continue breathing. It made me aware of how much we are willing to put trust in our gurus, our teachers, our mentors, crystals or else, except our own divine breath, divine energy that breathes equal life in us. I also saw her using an external means to put herself in an energy shield and wondered if one really needs to do that, or just by intention and trust one can put a protective shield around oneself while healing others.

As the week with Leonard came to an end, there were more insights. I had mentally told myself almost a month ago that someday I would like to attend a workshop with him when I can pay the 1008$ that are charged for his workshops. It was therefore incredible Grace that I could not only attend the workshop for free, but also get paid for it. I simply credit that to Mahavatar Babaji (no manifestation techniques involved here) whose presence I have learned to invoke before every Breathwork session I give or receive. I also had a few judgments against Leonard before I even met him – some positive and some not so positive. Towards the end, I found myself shopping for books with him in the most crowded areas of Pune, laughing and sharing Starbucks coffee with him, fixing internet connectivity issues with him to proposing the figures for the workshop and a seminar topic. On the last day, there was one minute of total silence in the room when, in the presence of many people, after saying goodbye to him, there was a minute of unbroken eye contact between us. What transpired I don’t know. I was just moved and grateful. I saw Life’s love for me. This time I had the maturity to not ask why I am so loved. The judgments had lost their energy and I just felt love for him. In hindsight, I realised I am being taught to let go of the high expectations I put on people (and more so on myself).

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Rebirthing-Breathwork 7/9-Day Training Program Attendees (Week 1)

Towards the end of the second week, when a “new” workshop was organised for 5 days with one of the trainers, there was a lot of exhaustion, mismatch of expectation and bonding. My mother had advised me to never start a project with a “No, I don’t want to do this“-feeling or thought. I had that since day one. This time again I just pushed myself telling that it was just one more week. In a lot of ways, I lost the will to organise. My personal issues came up that went unaddressed by the trainer and I felt dejected. What pulled me through was detaching myself from my own expectation that as an organiser I needed to be present at the workshop all the time and that I have to be in a giving space all through. Thankfully I didn’t lose my temper and found that I was letting go more easily. :-) This was a real biggie! I took the time out instead to bond with the youngsters and the middle aged Maharashtrian aunties who were just awesome in their motherly care and attention at the workshop! I loved seeing them extend their identities from being housewives to beautiful women who were delighted to live for themselves! It brought me in touch with my love for Breathwork, because it only involves one language – Breath. It again made me conscious of detaching the teacher and his/her personality with what is being taught.

Lastly, I realised how rotten this whole new age spiritual quest to fix, transform, getting better is. This is the update I put up on Facebook that says it all:

Wisdom is knowing things firsthand. Today when so many things are learnt and picked up sitting in a healing/spirituality workshop in five-star hotels and clubs, everything feels like junk because so little has been distilled and applied in day to day practical life. Even less so hardly anything has proved permanence. During this Breathwork retreat, where the mantra is learn by doing, the knowledge was of no use at all in the face of cellular release. I thought I really did know it all – every workshop, every seminar seemed “known”. But walking Pune’s old city shopping street, Appa Balwant Chowk, with Leonard Orr, searching for English translations of Shiva Purana, and works of Bhrartahari, it was a glaring realisation that Indian spirituality has got so lost in the heavy onslaught of “new age spirituality”. Really grateful to Leonard for telling the bookseller when he handed the English translation of “Niti, Shrungar and Vairagya” that he has given him something more precious than gold. Maybe we do need an American stamp for Indians to value the wisdom lying in their own backyard. Withdrawing from this “new age” gold rush and seeking the gold in Indian roots. Maybe the Masters have been deliberately kind that even though they grant me no third eye darshans, they give me enough homework to turn within and explore all this firsthand within me first, and turning ordinary life to gold. Thank you.

And yet had it not been for this quest, I would’ve probably not sought out something that would give me lasting benefit. Now I am re-routing into the “old age” – sitting one hour everyday learning to light up fire, learning to soak into Water consciously, learning to Breathe and cleanse out my own system – perhaps the way a Himalayan yogi does. But this time I am doing it as consciously as I can without a goal – playfully, with awareness. This Sunday, GD read a the following lines from Maharaj that were my saving Grace:

There is trouble only when you cling to something. When you hold on to nothing, no trouble arises. The relinquishing of the lesser is the gaining of the greater. Give up all and you gain all. Then life becomes what it was meant to be: pure radiation from an inexhaustible source. In that light the world appears dimly like a dream.
~ I am That

And today I integrated them with all the understanding of immortality gathered over the past two weeks in this prayer:

“May I feel the love, the intense passion for Life so much that I never long for death again.
May I recognise, once and forever, that when I stop longing for death, I stop experiencing lack.
May I be filled with the effortless knowing that when I stop creating imaginary lack, all I am is a lover of the Divine.
May I have the courage to live that only as a lover of the Divine, I am alone, for there is no world except for fleeting reflections.
May I have the realisation that once I see even the remaining parts of the world as reflections, I am beyond this play of life and death itself” 

Thank you Life for the way it is.

Figures on Beach, La Jolla.California, Photo © David Whyte

Figures on Beach, La Jolla.California, Photo © David Whyte

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Beautiful Gratitude

Today I stood at a traffic signal in the hot afternoon sun on my scooter and saw a lovely mosque. It seemed to be brand new and stood at the turning in front of me – the fresh paint, the simple lattice work, the beautiful green dome with a golden top glinted in the sun. In that moment, the thoughts in my head, the rush hour traffic around me, the heat on my bare arms evaporated. I was in the arms of beauty. It was a regular mosque in the city. But something about it gave me a Gratitude Pause Moment of the day.

Yesterday a friend of mine who is experimenting with heart-centred meditation for the first time in his life was sharing how he had lost his heart connection for sometime during the day. I told him to shift to gratitude in those moments and that seemed to click with him. I often do that to shift into the present moment from the spin in my head.

Today I found this video about a 365-day Gratitude project. I loved the small, simple idea. Hope you feel inspired to make a gratitude list of your own. It really multiplies the blessings!  :)

PS: I am grateful that my blog stats have gone UP! Thank you for reading!

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